Tell me something…
Have you ever met someone who you felt might be “the one” and then totally “blown it” with them?
Maybe you thought you really had a “chance” of being together forever?
But somewhere along the line, something went WRONG… the chemistry between you was electrifying at first, but over time your connection faded and you began to argue with each other.
- one of you ended the relationship… OR
- you’re still with him/her, but you feel stuck – feeling trapped or alone in a relationship filled with tension and fuzzy communication.
Either way, here comes my…
Embarrassing CONFESSION #1:
Not only have both of these disasters happened to ME more than just once or twice, but…
Truth is, I went through YEARS of soul-crushing heartbreak, as relationship after relationship eventually broke down – over and over again… so much that it finally became UNBEARABLE to me.
To make matters worse…
I later got married, only to end up divorced 5 short years later.
“Why are relationships so hard?” I’d ask myself… and in my more lonely moments, “What’s wrong with me?”
After my divorce, I was so disillusioned with long term relationships that I decided to start my life again, move to the Caribbean and enjoy “playing the field” as a single man.
No more commitment and no more heartbreak for me.
At least, that’s what I thought…
Until I met Amy (not her real name).
From the second we laid eyes on each other, the chemistry between us was electric.
At first, I kept her at arms length, telling her “I don’t want a committed relationship. I’m recently divorced.”
But before I knew it, my heart melted and I was in love.
I was convinced I had finally met “the one.”
After a few months of bliss, our intense passion became replaced with tension and arguments that left us both feeling sad and alone.
We began walking on eggshells around each other… avoiding “dangerous” topics of conversation that might spark an upset.
It took another few months before she BROKE UP with me saying, those dreaded words,
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
I don’t have to tell you… My heart was crushed.
My SECOND embarrassing confession…
…is that despite my decades of personal development work, I was an emotional wreck for months.
I’d stay awake at night trying to stop myself texting her, so that I didn’t appear desperate. Then I’d give in and stare at my phone in the darkness for hours, waiting for her to reply.
The next morning I’d wake up, immediately reach for my phone, and when I saw that she had not gotten back to me, I’d stay in bed all day, feeling too sorry for myself to face the day without her love.
Yep, I went from being a successful, internationally recognized public speaker living the dream, to being a needy, desperate mess.
Such was the power of my “childhood wounds” (at the time I thought it was “love”) to bring me to my knees.
It had become obvious that my unresolved relationship patterns were following me around like a secret assassin sabotaging my romances one by one.
Only, this time, I refused to take it lying down.
Instead, I chose to fight for love. Whatever it took, I was determined to win Amy back.
So, I began studying relationship psychology day and night. The pile of relationship books next to my bed grew taller and taller every week.
My first BIG “AHA moment” came when I discovered that ALL romantic relationships go through 3 basic stages:
Romance > Power Struggle > Mature Love
Most relationships never make it past the Power Struggle stage into Mature Love, because they either break up or stay stuck there.
I recognized that Amy and I had reached our Power Struggle stage.
Armed with this insight and relentless determination, I began figuring out how to get past the Power Struggle stage – with the hope that I could win her back in the process.
I enlisted the help of a top relationship coach and even trained and got certified as a relationship coach myself.
It took me SIX long and humbling months before Amy felt safe enough to return to come back home.
But our victory was short lived because 2 months later, we broke up again – this time because she didn’t believe that she could be in a relationship with me (or anyone) without losing herself.
I was beginning to think that relationships were like an unsolvable Rubik’s Cube or something…
Thankfully, the new skills I had learned came in handy and before long we were reunited again.
Phew… another close shave.
This incarnation of our relationship lasted a year before Amy left for the last time – moving to a different country in the process.
By this point, my determination was wavering and our friends were telling us to move on and find an easier relationship.
“Come on Bruce, three breakups? Find someone who wants to be with you…”, they told me, concerned that I was stuck and codependent.
On the other hand, Amy’s family were telling her that love should not be this hard and that they didn’t think we were a good match.
But I knew neither of these were the real reasons we were struggling.
In my heart, I knew that this would be our final battle in our Power Struggle.
We would either emerge victorious, hand in hand or we would be over – for good.
Armed with open hearts and separated by thousands of miles, we began working through our differences, talking every day on Skype.
With each other’s help, I faced my fears of being abandoned and Amy faced her fears of losing herself in a committed relationship.
Long story short…
It took us 2 months, but we finally reunited on the other side of our Power Struggle stage.
If you can relate to being stuck in the Power Struggle stage, I feel you.
You can take comfort in the knowledge that it is not your fault…
At school, you were never taught you how to make love work as a team – especially once the romance fades and is replaced by conflict.
We were taught to be independent and survive on our own.
If I’ve learned one thing about healing a broken relationship, it’s that trying to do it without guidance is like trying to swim out of quicksand on your own – the more you try the deeper you sink.
The only way out is to find someone to pull you out with a rope.
Like sinking in quicksand, it is almost impossible to save your relationship on your own – not because you’re not smart enough, but because you’re too close to it to see it objectively.
You need someone to throw you a rope – an outside perspective from a fresh set of eyes who can see the patterns you can’t.
And that’s why I’m writing to you – to throw you that rope.
Making your relationship work is not a mystery. You don’t have to be “lucky in love.” You just have to know the recipe.
In those TWO tough years I spent figuring out the Power Struggle stage, I stumbled upon a formula – a recipe for turning conflict into deep, loving connection.
Ironically, my embarrassing love life has given birth to my greatest gift – my ability to help others with relationship struggles.
Over the years, I’ve learned how to help lovers reconnect and ignite the flames of love and passion between them.
I have invested hundreds of hours figuring out, testing and teaching the skills that actually work to restore broken trust and make two people feel like they are falling in love again.
If your relationship is currently in trouble, or stuck in the Power Struggle stage, I’d like to help.
Without learning the skills and strategies to stay connected to each other, your relationship will probably fall victim to the Power Struggle stage and likely break up.
To help you save your relationship from staying stuck in the Power Struggle stage, I condensed everything I learned into my flagship online program called the “Love At First Fight” coaching program.
The program has works for over 300 couples each year. It is designed to get YOU both feeling safe, connected and back on the same page again.
You don’t have to go anywhere to do it; it’s an online experience. All you need is an internet connection and a phone.
If your relationship is shaky right now, or could use an injection of passion, then this program is the answer…
The next “Love At First Fight” coaching program begins soon. It runs for 7 weeks and I’d love you to join us.
This program is the only place I know where you can get the skills… including step-by-step instructions… on how to leave the Power Struggle behind… and start “making” love… instead of feeling lost and alone wishing for it to return.
Even if your partner doesn’t want to participate, you can single-handedly transform your relationship (or marriage) TODAY by applying what I’m going to show you.
Let’s face it…
…if you do nothing and your current relationship turns out like your previous ones, you’ll probably end up single and alone again.
But like I did, you also have the choice to take a stand for your relationship – to take a stand for having the love you want in your life with the partner you’ve already chosen..
Join me (and other couples just like you) on the next program.
P.S. Your relationship will be the best or worst investment you’ll ever make… and only YOU get to decide. Make it the best one.
P.P.S. Not in a relationship? Why not share this post with a friend whose relationship may be facing troubled times?
I was wondering.. What are normal emotions in a fight or struggle? I can be so extreme emotional sometimes and crying tears for hours.. Sometimes I think it’s not normal. And I (almost) understand why my (ex) boyfriend don’t want to be with me anymore. We broke up already for a few times and that makes me so insecure.. Still I want to fight for him, because I believe that our relationship could work. When is it time to move on? And when is it a good decision to do everything to get him back?
During conflict, emotions of anger, sadness, remorse, desperation, fear, loneliness are completely normal. In fact, I don’t think there is an emotion that is NOT normal. Emotions are an inevitable part of our experience – and we can choose to embrace them or resist them. Resisting them keeps them coming back. Experiencing them fully, allows them to flow naturally through you.
To answer your question of when is it time to move on, read this article I wrote on “When is it time to break up?”. This one will also help you: “When to make relationship decisions”.
If you guys get back together, be sure to attend the next Love At First Fight coaching program. It will help make sure you don’t fall into your old patterns of behavior again and help you feel safely and closely connected again.
Thank you for your reply! 🙂
I see the patterns in our relationship. They come back over and over again. I don’t know he sees them. At this moment I have taken a step backward and don’t want any contact with him right now. There is a lot of hurt and pain and I need to recover from it. I gave us a chance last year, and now exactly the same thing happened again. I’m crying every day..
I don’t think he is willing to work on our issues and I’m almost sure he don’t want to work on his issues. He prefers to reach out for “other things” to satisfy his needs I think… It’s really sad that I can’t connect with him.
He wants to stay friends and want to meet me. But I don’t know what I want. I love him, want to be with him, but as a lover and not as a friend…
Your coaching program is something I really think of doing.
But will it bring my ex and me back together? I don’t think so..
Thank you for all your great information. It really helps me in this time of pain.
Watched your TED Talk on lying and had to learn more. On this post I ask, Do you love yourself? Does Amy love herself? If so, when one walks away from love the other releases and continues on their path. Those paths may merge again, or not. But life’s magic never changes because you love yourself. Perhaps something to ponder.
What I really came to ask (without judgement) is, How is it that you and your former spouse are “very, very close friends” when you cheated on her for 3 out of your 5 years of marriage? I was pretty blown away by that comment.
Glad to have found you,
Hi Cleo, the short answer to your question is that we both had the willingness to forgive, the willingness to be accountable and the desire to not hurt each other.
So what happens if you break up again? I really rate you as a motivational speaker but this relationship lark you are on really makes me doubt you
Got it Sue. Thanks for the feedback.
Is she breaks up with me again, then she breaks up with me again. I can’t control her (and wouldn’t want to) and I can’t predict the future.
There are no guarantees in love, Sue. That is what makes it so delightful and such a wonderful growth experience.
I welcome your constructive criticism, if you’re up for it.
This was utterly brilliant. I was glued through the whole tale. Felt awed as I knew every word of it was absolutely try and authentic given that I know you both and saw what happened. Felt inspired by your courage and rawness and how beautifully this post was written and how compelling it felt.
I love you deeply!!! Wow.